Memories of A Miscarriage While Caring For My Newborn

*Guestblogger Jess is a quick-witted, stay-at-home mother-writer-friend who periodically discusses the various lenses of her life on She’sWrite. Here’s her story:

Six weeks ago, I had a beautiful baby girl named Clara. So it might seem odd to write about a previous miscarriage, but the memory of that child has come to surface now more than any time since. I often think of her as I care for my new baby.

My first child, Henry, was 18 months old when we were surprised to find I was pregnant again. Though my husband and I wanted a second child, it wasn’t planned. But after initial hesitation, we embraced the pregnancy wholeheartedly. I felt strongly, in the way many moms do, that I was carrying a girl.

My 8-week appointment went well; then I got a call that they wanted me to come back in to check the placenta again on an ultrasound. There might have been something wrong — I can’t even remember now what it was — that would have caused me to have a pregnancy in which I’d have to be extra careful. So the thought of bed rest was on my mind as I lay on the table and looked at the little jellybean on the screen, the one I had seen days earlier and whose heart had been beating away rapidly. I saw no such flutter on the screen this time. At first I was confused, maybe in denial, and then I saw the look on the technician’s face. Several days of visceral sadness followed, the kind of emotion you do not have to think about or talk yourself into. It just was. The sadness gradually receded over the next several weeks.

I sometimes feel, and felt, apologetic over my sadness about that miscarriage. I mean, it happens all the time. There must have been something wrong, it was nature’s way. And after all, it was only nine weeks. Imagine the pain of miscarrying once you feel the baby inside you.

But nine weeks.  Since my husband and I found out as early as possible, at 2 weeks, that means I had seven long weeks of imagining my child playing with her older brother; imagining the softness of her cheeks and the cooing of her little voice. She was not a bunch of cells to me. She was my child. No, I never met her, not literally. But I carried her, and many mothers will tell you that is an experience unlike any other. The bond grows fiercer the longer the pregnancy, but it is strong from the beginning.

A friend of mine had a miscarriage, too, followed by the birth of her little girl. My friend feels that the miscarried baby was who eventually became her daughter, she just wasn’t ready to come at that time. For me it is a bit different. She is sort of my ghost child, an older sister, the one who came before. She never quite became a part of the family, but she will never leave it. I feel my ghost child in Clara; she is a part of her, but not the same.

My miscarriage has given me deeper gratitude watching my beautiful baby girl sleep and even delighting in her pouty cries for milk. In some strange way I don’t understand, I feel like Clara is an honor to her, my first girl.

Coming Out Of the Pregnancy Closet: Guess Who’s Expecting No. 2?

I’ve got a bit of news for some of you. We’re pregnant! Yep, about ready to slip into the alarming land of the double-wide stroller. Part of me can’t believe that just as things were looking a little settled on the home front we’re venturing again out on the rollercoaster ride that is a newborn baby.

Even though it’s going to be nutty trying to make it all happen, Hubby and I are over-the-moon with happiness about the little one whose name (for now) is Bean.

Let me see if I can answer the usual questions: Yes, I feel fine. No, we’re not finding out whether we’re Team Pink or Team Blue. (Although I’m totally Type A, my obsessive need to color in between the lines is not as powerful as my love for surprises. And I can think of no bigger surprise than the sex of your child.) Also, I’m nearly six months along, due Jan. 6.

Obviously everyone who sees me IRL knows that I’ve got a baby on board. But there’s a whole host of folks out there, my “e-friends” if you will, who don’t know. So I’m coming out of the pregnancy closet.

Telling people that you’re pregnant can feel awkward. Many women decide to wait to spread the good word until after they’ve made it through the first three months, when the chance of a miscarriage is much lower. By then, some of her colleagues and friends may already know since she’s extra tired, always snacking, acts like the bathroom has a revolving door and is ordering weird mocktails. But the timing really needs to be about whatever you’re comfortable with.

With my first, I told anyone with ears shortly after I hit the three-month mark. It was such a relief to pass that milestone that I wanted to shout it out to the world. This time around it’s different, somehow it seemed sweeter to keep it among close friends and family for as long as we could.

Also letting your manager know can be terrifying. You hope they’re going to be cool with it, you think they’re going to be cool with it, legally they kinda have to at least pretend to be, but still. You’re never quite sure of the reaction until a few moments after you’ve uttered your news.

So since every Tom, Dick and Harry on the street knows we’re expecting, I figured it was high time I post about it. World, meet Bean. Bean, here’s the world.

A 4D shot of Bean